"Chewin' him like a bulldog on a bone"

So much going on, and no clue where to begin. It's all on the same subject, just in such a quantity that I'm not sure I can rant in a logical way. More info about my "first love" became available to me lately, and it's led to mixed feelings. He had come over close to my birthday, with the 'I can't live without you' bullshit, and when he came over, he brought one of my brothers friends who just turned 18, like, 2 days ago. I thought there was something going on between them, and they both denied it (and it was true then, although I learned they dated briefly afterwards). BUT, anyway, after he came home from my birthday, he hooked up with this girl, and another was turning 18, and had said she wanted to sleep with him, so he went out and rented a hotel room. What a fucking prick! Sorry..... I'm not sorry for saying it, but for offending people (if I did) with the language on here.... I'm trying to really keep it under control, but it's getting tough. He said he loved me, we were talking about getting back together again, I was being (once again the "bigger person") understanding about his going to college, when he didn't understand anything when I left for the University. Education is important... love is too, but like my mom has always said 'If it's really love, it will be love today, tomorrow, it will be love fifty years from now' so I was willing to give it time to develop as we both got our feet on the ground with our educations, and I got screwed over again. Then he hooks up with girls barely legal (if they were all legal, that is), and THEN, when I'm calling to get his addy at the college he's supposed to be going to, he's home, with his new gf and her kid. Gee, why are there women who can't trust men?? Also, talking to my source, I had told her that when I had come home from Nebraska, he had just shown up at my house with a ring... and she asked if it was a ruby one (b/c ruby is my birthstone) and I said no... so she told me that his mother had given him a ring to give to me, and she thought I had it. So the fucker isn't just lying to me and every other girl he's fucking on the side, he's lying to his MOM! UGH!!!!! I love his mom! She is one of the nicest people I've met, and he's even being dishonest to her! No, he had shown up with what looked like an engagement ring... not a ruby ring, and now, out of spite, I wish I woulda kept it... I couldn't keep it though, part of it was because of everything we had gone through I wouldn't have felt right... the other part was that I had this feeling it was some cheap, fake ring that he was trying to placate me with. As far as my mixed feelings, a tiny part of me wanted to cry because of all that, I felt.. no, still do.. I FEEL so used, and so dumb for believing him... for opening up my heart and soul to a man who I thought cared, but he cares about nothng..... Part of me has died recently.... the part of me that loved him no matter what. I had many big fights with my parents, because they didn't like him, and my brothers didn't like him, and I was in love, and I took his side no matter what. Here's the kicker... my parents hated him because the said he was nothing more than a liar, and I never saw it, so I stuck up for him. He didn't even have his own car really, so MAYBE it was harder, but who knows? I'm certainly not going to make excuses for him. He's broken my heart waaaaayyyyyy too many times. I want to forget he ever existed (except for maybe the prom pics, where he was a good prop, and I looked DAMN fine!) but then again, part of me wants to tell him exactly what I think of him, and not soften it any.... and then tell his girlfriend about him. And the strange thing is, all girls go through at least once of wanting to tell the current gf of their ex just to spite him.... but I honestly think he is a low-life piece of scum and he shouldn't be allowed to hurt anyone else...... ESPECIALLY if she has a kid, because the child doesn't need that kind of influence. The one really good thing is that he has agitated me so much within the last two days. When I go workout, usually it'll be maybe an hour split between cardio and weights (two hours at the gym yesterday and it felt like 20 mins!)..... I have lifted more, pushed harder, moved faster working out all the aggression. Anyway, I'm done for the moment with my ranting, because the moment of clarity has passed, thinking about him is getting me mad again, so the brainwaves are all jumbled :-) Have a good one (better than mine at least)... and BTW, the title came from a song, "Kiss This"

Save a Horse, RIDE A COWBOY!

Great song. It's also come into play a lil bit more since there's this guy I'm not sure if I'm seeing, or what... but that gets more complicated, so I won't go there just yet....LOL.. if at all. ANYWAY, he hasn't heard the song, but he asked what I thought about hats n boots, and those who know me know that usually I go for the the kind of guys you find in Nebraska...lol... Tall, muscular, corn-fed all american guys with the boots n hats..... ANYWAY, I told him I liked them, and I said Save a horse, ride a cowboy, and he thought that was a cool saying, I was like, that isn't just a saying, it's a song..... he's never heard it yet!
Anyway, Friday I have a Dr.s appt, because I'm sure I have some sort of an allergy.... to what I don't know, so keep me in your thoughts y'all, cause I'm not looking foward to it or the needle that probably comes with it! Now whiskey lullaby is on... does anyone else ever pay attention to the lyrics? Not just to sing along, but really, really look at them? Great song.... anyway, I'll catch ya later, but I'll leave ya with a question.... Would you rather be rich or famous?
p.s. Check this out! http://catsprn.com/cowboys.htm

"Sex is like politics, protect yourself....VOTE"

The title is something I saw on a shirt(on the cover of JANE magazine), and I absolutely LOVE it! I won't get on a political soapbox today(hopefully). I just wanted to give credit for the quote that wasn't mine. So I'm on the computer yesterday, following up on a project X seminar I went to on friday, and I am signed in to my Yahoo! messenger, with a busy message, saying I was doing research for CJA, and I get, like, 3 IMS. OK, not a big deal if it was from some of my friends...but it wasn't. It was the kind of IMs that start off with a/s/l, and then go into how big is your bust, what kind of guys do you like. Is anyone else annoyed by these messages? Then the guys ask why I have the attitude. Unfortunately I'm getting nicer in my old age, and I didn't answer how I would have liked to (for example, something like "because I TRIED getting rid of you the nice way, but your chimp brain isn't that far evolved to get it!") Don't get me wrong, I've met and ended up dating people from online, but it's not the REASON I go on.... it's just easier to type in the thing I'm looking for and let the info come to me, versus looking it up in multiple books, etc.
On a similiar note, what is the big deal with dating? The measure of success is not in who you date (well, unless it's Vin, but he's a completely different story!!). I'm tired of hearing that I need to get a boyfriend and get married, yadda yadda... Until I find someone who can show me it's even worth considering, I'm not dating. I meet a guy, he's really nice, caring, etc.... and then, if he falls under these categories, one of two things happen. 1) either he tells me he's married or 2) I find out how much medication he's on. If he's married, either that ends that, or he tries to pursue it..... nope. I don't want to have to hide a relationship, and know it will go nowhere. If he's medicated, I don't care if it's for something like ADHD, or seizures...things of that nature, it's understandable. If he's medicated for depression, multiple personalities, etc...... I'm gone. We're not gonna go over all the criteria, because then it'll be obvious why everyone says I'm so picky!! LOL! It seems as if this blog is turning into almost a diary of sorts, because I'm letting all of you into my head, but the difference between this and an actual diary is the cool thing.... you can comment on this, feel free and until next time, STAY OUTTA THE PAPERS!

On My Terms, My Own Skin

This is my very first posting. Some will ask, what's up with the name, etc., and I have one simple answer. It's me. I got the idea from a talk I had with my mom not too long ago, where she said I was finally becoming comfortable in my skin again, and it hasn't been that way in a long time. It hasn't. I've spent almost 4 years (probably more, but 4 since I've been out of high school) trying to find out exactly who I am, accept my strengths and weaknesses, what I want out of my life, etc. Here I am. 22, single, no kids, a criminal justice major with a natural talent for the subject, and a personality like no other. Stubborn, strong-willed, outspoken, honest.... the list could go on and on, but it won't. Eventually I'll probably get married, but the man has to have a personality just as strong as mine for it to work..... Right now though, I'm busy getting my life in order, then I'll worry about making room for additions to it. Speaking of additions, Congrats to my friends who have had kids recently....I'll also toss in a "good luck" too, because you might need it! Cutting this short, watch for a possible *big* announcement from me when April comes along, and also, before anyone else asks, yes, I'm supporting Bush, because I love my country, and I believe if we need to go to war in these times to protect our country and our future from another September 11th, so be it.