"Chewin' him like a bulldog on a bone"

So much going on, and no clue where to begin. It's all on the same subject, just in such a quantity that I'm not sure I can rant in a logical way. More info about my "first love" became available to me lately, and it's led to mixed feelings. He had come over close to my birthday, with the 'I can't live without you' bullshit, and when he came over, he brought one of my brothers friends who just turned 18, like, 2 days ago. I thought there was something going on between them, and they both denied it (and it was true then, although I learned they dated briefly afterwards). BUT, anyway, after he came home from my birthday, he hooked up with this girl, and another was turning 18, and had said she wanted to sleep with him, so he went out and rented a hotel room. What a fucking prick! Sorry..... I'm not sorry for saying it, but for offending people (if I did) with the language on here.... I'm trying to really keep it under control, but it's getting tough. He said he loved me, we were talking about getting back together again, I was being (once again the "bigger person") understanding about his going to college, when he didn't understand anything when I left for the University. Education is important... love is too, but like my mom has always said 'If it's really love, it will be love today, tomorrow, it will be love fifty years from now' so I was willing to give it time to develop as we both got our feet on the ground with our educations, and I got screwed over again. Then he hooks up with girls barely legal (if they were all legal, that is), and THEN, when I'm calling to get his addy at the college he's supposed to be going to, he's home, with his new gf and her kid. Gee, why are there women who can't trust men?? Also, talking to my source, I had told her that when I had come home from Nebraska, he had just shown up at my house with a ring... and she asked if it was a ruby one (b/c ruby is my birthstone) and I said no... so she told me that his mother had given him a ring to give to me, and she thought I had it. So the fucker isn't just lying to me and every other girl he's fucking on the side, he's lying to his MOM! UGH!!!!! I love his mom! She is one of the nicest people I've met, and he's even being dishonest to her! No, he had shown up with what looked like an engagement ring... not a ruby ring, and now, out of spite, I wish I woulda kept it... I couldn't keep it though, part of it was because of everything we had gone through I wouldn't have felt right... the other part was that I had this feeling it was some cheap, fake ring that he was trying to placate me with. As far as my mixed feelings, a tiny part of me wanted to cry because of all that, I felt.. no, still do.. I FEEL so used, and so dumb for believing him... for opening up my heart and soul to a man who I thought cared, but he cares about nothng..... Part of me has died recently.... the part of me that loved him no matter what. I had many big fights with my parents, because they didn't like him, and my brothers didn't like him, and I was in love, and I took his side no matter what. Here's the kicker... my parents hated him because the said he was nothing more than a liar, and I never saw it, so I stuck up for him. He didn't even have his own car really, so MAYBE it was harder, but who knows? I'm certainly not going to make excuses for him. He's broken my heart waaaaayyyyyy too many times. I want to forget he ever existed (except for maybe the prom pics, where he was a good prop, and I looked DAMN fine!) but then again, part of me wants to tell him exactly what I think of him, and not soften it any.... and then tell his girlfriend about him. And the strange thing is, all girls go through at least once of wanting to tell the current gf of their ex just to spite him.... but I honestly think he is a low-life piece of scum and he shouldn't be allowed to hurt anyone else...... ESPECIALLY if she has a kid, because the child doesn't need that kind of influence. The one really good thing is that he has agitated me so much within the last two days. When I go workout, usually it'll be maybe an hour split between cardio and weights (two hours at the gym yesterday and it felt like 20 mins!)..... I have lifted more, pushed harder, moved faster working out all the aggression. Anyway, I'm done for the moment with my ranting, because the moment of clarity has passed, thinking about him is getting me mad again, so the brainwaves are all jumbled :-) Have a good one (better than mine at least)... and BTW, the title came from a song, "Kiss This"